my love

love

choices

so many decisions to make

consequences are hard to determine

and what if your heart is undefined in feelings

will god give signs plain in sight?

with some things there is a knowing, with others a leap of faith

yet when intentions are pure and willingness able

all things form together

Life after M-day

So how's married life? A common question proposed to me now-a-days.
Honestly?
I'd have to say it's pretty awesome. I think the idea of marriage is scarier when viewed on the other side but now that I've crossed that boundary, things are greener.
I feel like I can finally breathe easy in my relationship with Micah. Not that I was uneasy with him, things just felt different, like a piece of puzzle missing-an incompleteness if you will.

The wedding felt like a dream and we felt God's approval on that day. Knowing that we are in a God ordain relationship has made any doubts or fears just fall away.

Life's a beach

Why when 'it rains, it pours'? Why does stress come softly to the point of migraines and body ailments?
These two weeks have been some of the hardest two week that I've had to deal with in a while and I can't seem to get my stress down to a manageable level without including some kind of pain medicine to numb the headache and aid sleepless nights. So why do I pop pills and sleep my life away? Something I'm trying to figure out at this moment I guess, maybe you have an answer for me. Is it society telling me that's the quick fix or is it my lazy attempt to fix a problem.

Marriage

I'm engaged
People keep asking me if I feel any different since I've been so
I guess in a way I do.
Since Micah is the only man I've ever consisdered marrying I guess there is a greater sense of commitment and belonging that I have with him.
With this new sense of commitment comes many new changes, some are easy and the others are rather difficult.
At times changing my old ways can be extremely hard, luckily I'm weird and I like the task of having to alter my mentality, in this case I'm having to think in a sense of 'we' instead of just 'me'.
I've thought about myself for so long it will be a nice change to think in terms of another being, selfless and considerate though trying to overcome selfish desires.
I like being engaged.
I think I'll like marriage ever better because of the challenges it will pose and the outcomes are determined by your actions.
I like knowing that God has an ultimate plan for us but he also gives us control to shape of lives.
These are exciting times.

circles

i am an entirety

whole. satisfied. fulfilled.

i am the essence of a sphere. the roundness of circle. a mind in thought and then a thought to mind.
i am complete.
be it my convictions to blush at such a bold declaration, yet this present second concedes that i am happy.
maybe it is an emotion, whether fleeting or concrete, it stands that i am able to retain the shape of absoluteness.
yet where does this confession stem?
not within my humanity. for my humanity has brought me squares, ovals, and triangles. misshaped deficents of form.

no. god is wholeness. god is circle, god is sphere. i realize that i merely prance upon pre-drawn lines that characterized my developed shape. god is my shape. the more i blend the more i bend. smooth curves of contentment.
i am complete.

how do i look?

we've all been hit with some kind of subliminal message about how Gucci can change our lives. the media knows that as women we strive to achieve some perfection because society and our own mother's insecurities told us we were not perfect as we are. and although i am not a man i've known men who go through the same type of body image insecurity, maybe not as annoying as girls are can be but they do have the same issues as women. is my stomach bulging? arms too flabby? sound familiar at all?
i'm all for taking pride in how you look (in fact i'm looking into what it takes to ban people from wearing sweatpants in public) but things go too far when we can never get to the bottom of self-hatred and move into self-esteem. i've struggle with body image issues for as long as i can remember. i use to think that my extra flab was disgusting and didn't know who could bare to look at it. yet, i've finally learned that i'll never be a victoria secret model, or prance down a runway, and the extra stuff here and just makes me softer. i mean really, who wants to snuggle up to bony elbows and pointy ribs anyways? curves are the way to go.
on the other hand, yes you should be happy with yourself but not if happy means living an unhealthy lifestyle. as americans we can take overindulgence to a new level. too many ribs, too much chocolate cake, too much of everything really. life and weight isn't about being as skinny as you can, it's about being healthy. i've have two family members die of cancer and another that has just been diagnosed. i know i don't want to be another statistic in my family. i think if you work to be healthy then the positive body image will follow.
so go live
be healthy not indulgent.
be wise and live better.

what is american?

greedy. redneck. work-a-holic. excess. mono-linguistic. fast food. fat & happy.

This is the list of traits my cross-cultural class thinks the world sees Americans. I don't know about you, but this list doesn't describe me. So who are we? I know who I am, but does that necessarily describe you? I like movies, music, and dining out, does that make me American? As my professor was asking for examples I couldn't think of anything except freedom. Obvious answer I would think, but no one said that one, in fact no one said anything positive. Read the list again. Tell me one thing up there that makes you proud of your heritage. Honestly, I felt a little sick inside to think that my peers show an extreme lack of pride in who they are as a nationality. There is a lot that we should be proud of. How about the fact we have a fascinating and highly advanced economic system? How about the fact we have freedom of speech? Freedom of religion? We can go anywhere we please, we can explore, think, and discover. As a woman I like knowing that I can have my own career without someone trying to push me back into the kitchen. American to me is being an independant, strong woman who vocalizes her ideas and doesn't like to be told she can't. I'm American because I love cheese grits and going to church on Sunday. I love being able to vote and write angry letters to companies, so that makes me American. I love art, music, and everything beautiful because of America. I think being something means that that something has shaped you into who you are. I am American because I was born in America, and the things that I have learned is because of my environment.

So who are you? What are you proud of? What is being American to you?

The Graduate

So I saw 'The Graduate' for the first time at the SLC. Overall, it was very funny movie with a small dash of some very twisted plots. Through the laughter though I couldn't help but feel sorry for the vixen, Mrs. Robinson. Yes, yes I know she was a little vindictive and manipulative but part of me can't help but wonder if that is her natural character or a product of years of an unhappy marriage. Although marrying someone because you have a child with them is noble and ethically right, I wonder if sometimes God doesn't mind if you decide to take the alternative and remain unwed. Although, I think that question might be a little to broad, and would be better off being tailored to the situation. God is ever so gracious so I assume he would not be willing to have you be miserable for the sake of marriage, but then again faith and willingness to live according to his will would probably mean things would be better off if you left it up to him and not so much to your own judgements. I think God could always find the good within the bad, and I think because he is 'love', he remains faithful and patient through the most difficult of decisions as long as you allow him to. So, don't you see Mrs. Robinson? Jesus loves you more than you could know.

PIE

warm.

inviting.

i made one.

from scratch.

it was pretty amazing, but besides me basking in the amusement of doing something very 1950's, i know it wasn't so much the pie itself but rather the people making the pie. how refreshing to know people you connect with. humans are great in all their complex simplicity. our need for companionship and friendship dwells in the deepest emotions that make us who we are. i use to think i could be a loner and be happy. how miserable i was. i love people no matter how dramatic and silly they can be, and I've discovered that with interlocking my life with others is one of the many things that totally completes me.

affirmation of indifference

Sitting under street lights,
I wonder upon calloused strings.
Heart so abrasive,
It has to struggle in being.
A little girl ponders,
Under humming yellow bulbs,
Wreckage in packages,
And crystal fragments in molds.
Could a shell be perfection?
Only the echos could have told,
And if the creeks give me direction
The noise was my home.
I could have been that blessing, yet
I was never known
To be that woman,
Sweet,
Understanding,
Kind in all regards.
Yet I am the bittersweet fraction
Of a Light mangled and marred.
You see,
Compassion has escaped me



So I wrote this poem last night sitting in my car, Helios playing melotic tunes, pages being lit by the overhead street light, and I felt the sensation of a revelation bubbling within me. I myself, as empty as a soda can on a hot day, find that the compassion I have so longed for back in my strung out teen days, had become far from my character. Sort of an ego buster to realize that I've become this heartless callous woman who thinks that everyone should have their act together and if they don't, well then they just suck. Needless to say, I felt bad about my present character flaw, yet with the day-hope arose. I've been reading this book called 'Velvet Elvis' and I came across a part today where the author was describing people who continue to ignore the things in their life that need attention until one day they've become this empty, shell of a person. Talk about affirmation. Luckily, God decided to show me my growing 'shellness' before I became completely hollow, nut less shell. Compassion is good, because we've all done extremely stupid things in our life. And it is amazing when someone doesn't focus on what you did and how stupid it was, but rather they focus on just loving you for you.

brain pain

There has to be a reason for this distraction.
Small little pins develop in my head and yet I find no basis for this occurrence.
My subconscious must be pissed at me somehow.
I've done something unintentionally and now my mind must punish me by punishing itself and so I daydream of lobotomies.
Simple headaches. No. Simply everyday. Yes.
It makes me think though, and I think and feel the need to write.
About? About the meaning behind the pain, and if the cause is the elements (the doctors say I have bad sinuses) or if it is my brain signally to me that something I'm thinking or haven't thought of is of some harm or of some great importance. Is my subconscious so smart that my headaches are really just smoke signals to my conscience that something needs to be thought of. I wonder. I wonder more than ever now because my headache meds no longer work and I'm left wondering if my subconscious has found a way to dodge the tranquility of modern science.

Smart subconscious.