what is american?

greedy. redneck. work-a-holic. excess. mono-linguistic. fast food. fat & happy.

This is the list of traits my cross-cultural class thinks the world sees Americans. I don't know about you, but this list doesn't describe me. So who are we? I know who I am, but does that necessarily describe you? I like movies, music, and dining out, does that make me American? As my professor was asking for examples I couldn't think of anything except freedom. Obvious answer I would think, but no one said that one, in fact no one said anything positive. Read the list again. Tell me one thing up there that makes you proud of your heritage. Honestly, I felt a little sick inside to think that my peers show an extreme lack of pride in who they are as a nationality. There is a lot that we should be proud of. How about the fact we have a fascinating and highly advanced economic system? How about the fact we have freedom of speech? Freedom of religion? We can go anywhere we please, we can explore, think, and discover. As a woman I like knowing that I can have my own career without someone trying to push me back into the kitchen. American to me is being an independant, strong woman who vocalizes her ideas and doesn't like to be told she can't. I'm American because I love cheese grits and going to church on Sunday. I love being able to vote and write angry letters to companies, so that makes me American. I love art, music, and everything beautiful because of America. I think being something means that that something has shaped you into who you are. I am American because I was born in America, and the things that I have learned is because of my environment.

So who are you? What are you proud of? What is being American to you?

The Graduate

So I saw 'The Graduate' for the first time at the SLC. Overall, it was very funny movie with a small dash of some very twisted plots. Through the laughter though I couldn't help but feel sorry for the vixen, Mrs. Robinson. Yes, yes I know she was a little vindictive and manipulative but part of me can't help but wonder if that is her natural character or a product of years of an unhappy marriage. Although marrying someone because you have a child with them is noble and ethically right, I wonder if sometimes God doesn't mind if you decide to take the alternative and remain unwed. Although, I think that question might be a little to broad, and would be better off being tailored to the situation. God is ever so gracious so I assume he would not be willing to have you be miserable for the sake of marriage, but then again faith and willingness to live according to his will would probably mean things would be better off if you left it up to him and not so much to your own judgements. I think God could always find the good within the bad, and I think because he is 'love', he remains faithful and patient through the most difficult of decisions as long as you allow him to. So, don't you see Mrs. Robinson? Jesus loves you more than you could know.

PIE

warm.

inviting.

i made one.

from scratch.

it was pretty amazing, but besides me basking in the amusement of doing something very 1950's, i know it wasn't so much the pie itself but rather the people making the pie. how refreshing to know people you connect with. humans are great in all their complex simplicity. our need for companionship and friendship dwells in the deepest emotions that make us who we are. i use to think i could be a loner and be happy. how miserable i was. i love people no matter how dramatic and silly they can be, and I've discovered that with interlocking my life with others is one of the many things that totally completes me.

affirmation of indifference

Sitting under street lights,
I wonder upon calloused strings.
Heart so abrasive,
It has to struggle in being.
A little girl ponders,
Under humming yellow bulbs,
Wreckage in packages,
And crystal fragments in molds.
Could a shell be perfection?
Only the echos could have told,
And if the creeks give me direction
The noise was my home.
I could have been that blessing, yet
I was never known
To be that woman,
Sweet,
Understanding,
Kind in all regards.
Yet I am the bittersweet fraction
Of a Light mangled and marred.
You see,
Compassion has escaped me



So I wrote this poem last night sitting in my car, Helios playing melotic tunes, pages being lit by the overhead street light, and I felt the sensation of a revelation bubbling within me. I myself, as empty as a soda can on a hot day, find that the compassion I have so longed for back in my strung out teen days, had become far from my character. Sort of an ego buster to realize that I've become this heartless callous woman who thinks that everyone should have their act together and if they don't, well then they just suck. Needless to say, I felt bad about my present character flaw, yet with the day-hope arose. I've been reading this book called 'Velvet Elvis' and I came across a part today where the author was describing people who continue to ignore the things in their life that need attention until one day they've become this empty, shell of a person. Talk about affirmation. Luckily, God decided to show me my growing 'shellness' before I became completely hollow, nut less shell. Compassion is good, because we've all done extremely stupid things in our life. And it is amazing when someone doesn't focus on what you did and how stupid it was, but rather they focus on just loving you for you.

brain pain

There has to be a reason for this distraction.
Small little pins develop in my head and yet I find no basis for this occurrence.
My subconscious must be pissed at me somehow.
I've done something unintentionally and now my mind must punish me by punishing itself and so I daydream of lobotomies.
Simple headaches. No. Simply everyday. Yes.
It makes me think though, and I think and feel the need to write.
About? About the meaning behind the pain, and if the cause is the elements (the doctors say I have bad sinuses) or if it is my brain signally to me that something I'm thinking or haven't thought of is of some harm or of some great importance. Is my subconscious so smart that my headaches are really just smoke signals to my conscience that something needs to be thought of. I wonder. I wonder more than ever now because my headache meds no longer work and I'm left wondering if my subconscious has found a way to dodge the tranquility of modern science.

Smart subconscious.